Animals in Space 2

This is the set my nephew and I constructed for the film "Animals in Space 2."  We made the original Animals in Space this summer.  Benjamin, who is 6 years old, so enjoyed making the first movie that before we had aired it he began planning the sequel.  We filmed Acts 1, 2 and 3 six weeks ago.  Days after doing that, Ben called local family and friends to announce that the premier of Animals in Space 2 will be Sunday March 9th at 2:40 pm.

These are exciting times!

Relating with Others

Animals in Space is 20 minutes long; this seemed excessive for those of us kind enough to watch it.  However, for months Ben wanted the sequel to be even longer.  He thought that if we made the sequel 30 minutes, it would capture the attention of millions and we might even get famous. 

Me:  Ben, if we made a movie about watching the grass grow, would it be better if it was longer?

Ben:  Nooooo.

He didn't mention time today and neither did I.  We have 5/6 scenes filmed and it's only 8 minutes long.  It's possible we may cap this movie at 12 minutes!

In addition to shortening the film, my mom suggested that Animals in Space 2 will be more interesting to watch if family members are included as characters. Agreed.

(The above family puppets are made from photographs, file folders and straws.)  

I've been thinking a lot about my mom's suggestion.  I am like my nephew in that we are both independent and have vivid imaginations.  It's easy for me to make movies with him because, as you all know, I do the same thing! 

Seeing Ourselves 

We sat on the couch for half an hour tonight.  On his end, with markers and paper, he made up a computer game with 10 levels.  Every so often he'd engage me with something like, "Auntie Anna, level 4 is going to be called Galaxy Busters.  You can get there at 172 points."  On the other end of the couch, I read Divergent by Veronica Roth:

For most people, it's not hard to learn, to find a pattern of thought that works and stay that way... But our minds move in a dozen different directions and can't be confined to one way of thinking and that terrifies our leaders.  It means we can't be controlled.  And it means that no matter what they do, we will always cause trouble for them.

I can barely contain my excitement when I read this because it so closely parallels this quote by Krishnamurti:

Society does not want individuals who are alert, keen, revolutionary, because such individuals will not fit into the established social pattern and they may break it up.  That is why society seeks to hold your mind in its pattern, and why your so-called education encourages you to imitate, to follow, to conform.

Ben is on one end of the couch entertaining himself by making up video games and I'm on the other end entertaining myself by noticing the connections between young adult dystopian fiction and the teachings of world leaders.  

I'm not going to say any more about those connections because I imagine that most of you do not share my interest in dystopian young adult fiction.  And, I am much more interested in connecting with you than I am interested in a diatribe about socialization and freedom.  

Love Like That is a communication structure to support each of us moving from wherever we are to the next place with less resistance, aggression and strain.  No matter where we are and where we are going, we each want more freedom, more happiness, more love.   

The access to that freedom, happiness and love is remembering who you are - the loving awareness of all that is.  Don't believe me, try it out for yourself!

Love in a Van Down by the River

If you do not recognize the photo above then you are in for a treat! This is a link to the van down by the river skit.  I think these skits came out while I was in high school because I remember Chris Farley as Tommy Boy in college. Tommy Boy blew my mind.  I wasn't expecting it to be so freaking hilarious! Like Bridesmaids, except less sophisticated and intelligent.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry about it.  Tommy Boy cannot be discussed; it can only be experienced. 

Like Love. 

Love is an experience.  And like maps can only represent locations, words can only represent Love.  Love is a state of being. 

The Energy of Destruction 
Today I was super relaxed in one moment and then Emma began talking about how we live too far out and she wants to move. Honest to God, from one second to the next my body, mind and spirit went into fight or flight mode.  My chest tightened, muscles in my arms and legs tensed, my breath became shallow.  I felt anger and an urge to destroy something.  Really.  For some reason the idea of a huge pile of something to set fire to came into my mind and it was not unpleasant.  
  
I could feel all this happen, and was even the awareness of all this happening.  However, I am not sure I conjured up loving awareness; it was probably a trimmed down, no muss no fuss, awareness: 
Emma, I am not available for this conversation.  I am managing a couple other balls in the air and I'll be honest with you, I don't know how to put where we live up in the air without wanting to kick something.  I need a couple days. 

Later in the same ride she complained about how long the ride was taking.  I pulled the car over. I pulled the car over.  That's how on the edge I was. I pulled the car over, turned to her and said, Emma.  I can. Not. Deal. with moving now. I am closed about it.  I will open up but I am not yet.  This is not the time.  Lest you wonder, I said all of that in the "don't fuck with me" key.   

Where does that energy - the energy of destruction, of fire, of raging rivers, of avalanches and mudslides, of tornados and blizzards - come from and who trains people to wield this energy well? 

The Alchemy of Destruction
I've always felt this energy.  My sister can tell you that when we were growing up I was processing a boatload of anger and fear; she was often at the receiving end.  I've written before about anxiety and I; anger is also my bedfellow. For years I would provoke my sister - teasing her, manhandling her and disrespecting her things.  This provoking was an unconscious expression of anger and because it was unconscious, was sometimes mean. I was bored and angry and anxious.  I was also happy, loved and safe.  But that's not what this post is about. 

Fortunately, by high school I had an awakening that I wanted to be a supportive sister.  It became so clear to me that I would not be mean to my sister.  At that time, I had no idea what was going on with me only that whatever it was had nothing to do with my sister. I'm not saying I haven't been a royal pain in the ass since then or hurt her feelings.  What I'm saying is that I made a conscious decision not to be mean.   

That experience changed my life.  Because I was so young when all this happened, forgiving myself was not as challenging as it could have been.  Also, perhaps because I was young it was quite easy to change my behavior.  Third, my sister forgave me at various levels and allowed us to shift gears in our relationship. Looking back now, that experience imbued me with confidence in transformation:  at any moment any of us can transform anything.  

Destruction can seed transformation.  Just like fire is a powerful ally when the nature of fire is seen and respected.  We don't light fires in dry fields then turn our backs and walk away.  Awareness and respect for any experience cause transformation.  

After I gave Emma the Mafioso instruction not to speak of moving again, I felt post anger remorse. My mind wondered - was I responsible with my anger, is there anything I need to do now, did I disrupt the flow of love, is that even possible? Remembering that I am the Loving Awareness of my mind's wondering, I relax into a different point of view where destruction can co-exist with love:  

...You cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs. 

Destruction before creation...

from In the Field by Joseph Campbell

Love Is In the Air. Literally.

Edgy Valentine
February 14th 1995 I was in Esteli, Nicaragua.  My friend Carol and I wore black and made jokes about romance all day.  That was an edgy Valentine's Day.  Edgy is what I call any experience that I don't quite embrace.  When I label the experience edgy, or punk rock, I can bring whatever is happening closer to me.  Entertaining myself is a stepping stone to acceptance.  Rather than being angry and miserable, I can be punk-rock pissed and have some fun.  You see?

It works for me.  I don't entertain myself as a way of avoiding my suffering.  But, I seem to have copious amounts of anxiety, grief and anger to experience.  Honestly, it doesn't let up.  And I'm not always in a moment or mood to pause and feel my body, breathe consciously, meditate or recite a Metta Prayer.   Instead, I'll have something I am ready to do and I'm just going to do it with an edgy insecure style.  Take it or leave it. 

Love Anyway
So, if the anxiety and resistance haven't disappeared why am I still practicing yoga, meditating and questioning my thinking?  What's the use?  

I feel better.  When anxiety comes, it goes; it doesn't hang around.  And because it doesn't hang around, I am not accumulating any additional tension in my shoulders, neck, jaw or head.  For a lot of my life I was piling tension into my muscles like it was going out of style.  I had a tension habit.  

A mantra is anything that breaks up habits and creates neural plasticity.  Remember neuroplasticity?  Neuroplasticity is essential for happiness.  Practice choosing what to think.  And if you're all, "I do chose what I think," you could use more practice.   

Meta-Mantra of Loving Awareness
I am practicing with the mantra I am the loving awareness of experience.  The mantra is re-wiring my brain in a positive direction.  I am training myself to pay attention to Love.  It works!

Case in point: I began writing this post and then it occurred to me to get some shoveling done.  We already had 10 inches of snow and it was still coming down.  

I went outside and felt love from and for the night sky and snow. Beautiful, open and clear.

I grabbed the shovel and felt love for and from my stepfather who gave me the shovel and countless other items to prepare me for winter in the country.  

As I was shoveling I remembered my Dad asking me one afternoon last week,  why don't you go out before it gets dark and smooth things out in the driveway.  You know, so there aren't any lumps once this freezes.

Despite having no idea what he meant, I went outside with a shovel and smoothed out lumps. Shoveling tonight, I felt love for my dad who would have made the driveway spotless if he hadn't just had hip surgery. I felt love from my dad who I know will love and appreciate however I shovel.  

The plow guy arrived. He asked me if I needed him to come over early tomorrow morning for the second round of plowing.  Do you need to get your car out to get to work on time?  I loved the plow guy.  

I felt love from Emma who recommended I focus on shoveling out the car before the pathways.  Her sound advice made it possible for me to move my car when the plow guy was at the house.  

What could have been a drudgery was an experience with a whole lot of Love.  It's no accident. It's no miracle.  It's practice.  

If I don't practice paying attention to Love in my life, who will?  

I mean, who is reminding you that you are the loving awareness of all that is?    

My wealthy fractal self (this is a reference that Michelle might say does more to scare people than share with people) not only has a cook but a Pause and Love Assistant who reminds me.  However, I have not evolved to the point where fractal selves are anything other than entertaining ideas. So I create my life to include reminders - yoga practice, meditating, reading and listening to teachers and communicating with you. 

The Bottom Line
You are the Loving Awareness of all that is. 
You are never alone. 
When you eat, you eat with all the people who grew, packaged and shipped the food.  You eat with their children, too. 
When you sit on the couch and the sun gets in your eyes, you sit on the couch with everyone being touched by the sun.  You sit on the couch with all their friends, too.
When you drive in your car, you are on the road with everyone else. You are on the road with all the people they come from and are going toward, too.  
When you cry, you cry with every human who has grieved. And you cry with the people impacted by their grief, too.  
You are never alone. 

There is no separate self.  Imagine an apple on a tree believing it's alone and separate.  Ridiculous!

Love is always present and it's not something we have to get. Imagine someone waiting for permission before breathing? Ridiculous!

Finale
Growing up, my family vacationed at our grandparents lakeside cabin in Mount Vernon.  The cabin had a loft with a window, one foot square.  This little window was right above the bed where my sister and I slept, on the wall that separated the loft from the downstairs living space.  

During that time of sleeping in the bed with my sister by the loft window, Placido Domingo and John Denver released the Perhaps Love album.  I can remember hearing the songs as I fell asleep.  Is there any better way to end a rambling Valentine's Day post than with their duet celebrating the ineffable nature of Love? 

I didn't think so, either.  

The Road is Made by Walking

I am comforted when I remember that it is not my job or within my capacity to know everything.  The road is made by walking.  

Relationships, work, peace of mind, creative expression, are all made by walking.

But my flimsy self-image is threatened by the mystery of lived experience.  I have an identity to protect, I am a this and a that, says my self-image.  I've got to do this and have that to be me.  

In times of major change, my ego/self-image looks for a rational explanation of circumstance. Rationalizing is the work of the ego.   

What a distraction! 

Figuring things out is a distraction from lived experience. 

Get out of your head, 

and into your heart. 

Think less. Feel more. 

- Osho

I am regardless of what else is occurring because I am the Loving Awareness of my experience.  And I am the Loving Awareness of any experience.  This is a link to the experience of Canadian ski coach Justin Wadsworth.  

**Invitation to Inquiry**

Make a list of areas in your life where you are trying to "figure things out.  (Figuring things out is not a moral issue, it's not a good or a bad thing.)  
Go through each item on your list and ask yourself,  "if I never figure this out am I okay?"

A gold medal is a wonderful thing 

but if you're not enough with out it, you'll never be enough with it.

- Cool Runnings 

Sad and Grateful Love

Today, after Alice and I agreed that I cannot give to PPY what I want to give as a yoga teacher right now, I cried. 

I got home and called Michelle

Me:  I am just so sad.  I won't be on the teaching schedule.  I won't
        be a yoga teacher at PPY.  I'm sad like heart-broken sad.  But
        there is no regret, no resentment, no problem  It's just like 
        this clean kind of raw sadness.  With gratitude.  I'm just so
        grateful I got to be there as long as I was.  But still I'm so sad.   

Michelle:  Yeah, honey.  You did a good job becoming a yoga 
                  teacher.  Alice challenged you to grow and you worked 
                  really hard.  You love that.  

Me:  Exactly.

Michelle:  And, you love teaching yoga.  You get a vehicle for 
                  putting your life into practice.  

I cried again. 

Me:  I know.  That's why I'm sad.  I am grieving loss. I 
         don't have any regrets.  There are no problems.  It's just that
         my heart hurts. 

         I'm going to write about how I am so grateful for Alice and 
         PPY tonight.  I wish for everyone to be loved like that; loved
         like PPY has loved me. 

It has been an honor and privilege to teach at PPY.  

Alice taught me how to access wisdom in my body.  
She trained me to serve others.  
And she got me intimately related with my Boddhichitta heart.  
How can I begin to describe her impact?  I don't know yet.  

With the managers, sevateers and assistants, the teachers at PPY created a net to hold my life with me.  The love and support I received in the teachers room, office and lobby is Infinite and humbling.  

May that net extend outward and hold everyone.  

ICD-9 333.4

As we were cutting vegetables for dinner tonight Emma said to me, "Mom, don't you think that at a certain point you're overdoing it with things that make you happy?"

Me: What do you mean?

Emma: Well, you went to that Buddhist thing yesterday, and you are doing Love Like That and making this video and it just seems like you are always doing these things that make you happy and maybe you just have to suck it up.

Me: Suck it up?  You mean not enjoy myself so I can do what, exactly?  Is there something you want me to do for you?

Emma: No.  I don't know.  It just seems weird that you do these things just because they are fun. 

Me: Emma, please please please don't let anyone convince you that being happy is  selfish.  Can you imagine me as a mom if I was miserable?  

Emma: That would suck. 

Me: Me being happy makes you happy. You being happy makes me happy. When we are happy, we are contagious, it's a gift to everyone.  If it takes away from someone, it's not really happiness.  

Emma: Yeah. Okay. 

Pausing.  Eating.  

Me:  What do you think of this video?

Emma watches the first iteration of ICD-9 333.4.

Emma:  You need to get poster board and do a presentation or something. 

Done

Love Is Not a Secret

What secrets are you hiding?  What do you want to make sure that nobody knows?

• bankruptcy
• the way you treated your first husband
• what you said to your daughter last night
• you're using again
• stealing from work
• haven't paid your taxes in fifteen years
• you haven't had sex in fifteen years
• nobody has ever told you they love you
• you are/were abused

If you think you suck, if you think what you are hiding is really bad, I recommend seeing a documentary that streams on netflix called The Dhamma Brothers. It's about men in a maximum security prison who begin to practice meditation.  Some of these men have murdered multiple people and they've re-discovered their true nature.  You can, too.  

There's nothing anyone can do, think or feel that dims who you are - Loving Awareness.  

Maybe you feel guilty because your secrets aren't 'that bad' (whatever that means):

• you haven't done the laundry for a month
• you were relieved when your dog ran away
• someone told you you look angry all the time

There's no amount of guilt that dims who you are - Loving Awareness. 

Maybe you feel disconnected to Loving Awareness practice:

• you don't experience being Loving Awareness of disconnection
• you believe some people don't deserve love
• sometimes you wonder if this whole Loving and Awareness business is a grown up fantasy

There's no amount of confusion or doubt that dims who you are - Loving Awareness.

The blog PostSecret is a community art project that posts secrets mailed in anonymously.  You could send a secret in to them for fun.