Wicked Free

First and foremost, if you have not seen Wicked (this quote is from the song Defy Gravity) and you have the opportunity to.... say yes!

Second of all, this morning when I considered the proposal I sent to BPYI I had a few moments thinking things like: 

• Who do I think I am?  
• Shit. Am I trying to be someone?  
• I'll never be able to sustain the clarity and presence I communicated.

I'm hearing these thoughts, being the awareness of the thoughts and then, "Oh, snap!  Is this a freedom hangover?" Like Brene Brown's vulnerability hangover?   

But, Brene Brown told everyone about having a mental breakdown.  I told everyone about being proof of yoga.  Why would I experience any amount of ego-inspired insecurity?

Oh, you wily mind sneaking through with that kind of thinking.  Being free doesn't look or taste a particular way! 

There is no standard for Free.  
There is no path for Free.  
Free is.

These are not concepts.  If you skimmed through those last three  lines you are missing the point.  Ingest it with me:
There is no standard for Free
There is no path for Free
Free is.

Whenever you doubt or get confused about being free, consider that only your personal self can doubt and be confused.  Universal Self is crystal clear, there is no confusion.  This Universal Self is always present.  Simply pay attention to the part of you that is effortless, pay attention to being awareness.  

This is simple but the ego-mind doesn't like it when we give our attention to being awareness and will put up a fight.  The way my mind fights includes disguising the following rules as truth: 

• we are obligated to spend time with certain people
• the physical world is more real than the non-physical world
• responsible adults have retirement accounts
• 'good' relationships look a certain way
• if I make the right moves, I will be rewarded
• other people's approval will bring me happiness

The ego needs those rules.  I don't.  Neither do you. 

We're Wicked Free Like That.  

Watch the I

Sitting in satsang with Mooji for weeks and weeks is having a profound impact on me.  Mooji does not teach, he has no knowledge to impart or products to sell.  In satsang, people ask questions and Mooji points to who people are (true nature) and who people are not (personal self).  He does not prepare, he simply sits and guides people through Self-Inquiry.  

I am not Mooji, we are not in Rishikesh and I don't think any of you are sitting in satsang via the internet.  (If you are, tell me!)  So, I think it will be helpful to clarify a couple terms: 

1. personal self - body, psychological mind - memories, attachments, projections, expectations, mental chatter, habits - and other characteristics of the ego's self-image.  A personal somebody.  
2. original self/true nature - awareness, presence, timeless, effortless, unbound, source.  A universal nobody.  

Who we are, our true nature, is free.  This is not a concept or something to believe in.  It's a discovery each of us makes as many times as necessary before we completely surrender to this awareness.  Per every sage in every time and place, the discovery of our true nature is the most important discovery any of us can offer humanity.  

Self-Inquiry is Only This

Notice who you are.  

Watch the I. 

If you don't get it, if it feels difficult, 

don't watch what's difficult, 

watch the I.

- Mooji

Your thinking mind, your personal self, will resist this discovery.  Let me demonstrate:

My Ego's Top Five Reasons to Reject Self-Inquiry

1. Get real; liberation for all sentient beings is more likely if someone discovers a cure for cancer and/or an infinite supply of clean drinking water.
2. If it's this simple, why haven't we all been liberated already?
3. If I'm liberated, I will not have anything in common with people I care about.
4. I don't think I'm doing this right. Shouldn't I see the light?
5. People I love will say that I am irresponsible and selfish for leaving my personal problems.

Don't take it personally when your mind does everything it can to distract you from discovering your true nature.  We have all been conditioned to identify with an insecure personal self and we all have mental habits born from that conditioning.  You are not those habits, no matter how persistent they appear.  

There is no problem with the mind.  Problems arise when we become attached to the chatter of the mind, so attached that we identify with it.  Let's say you got an email from someone telling you about a mistake you made at work.  You start wondering if you will get fired.  You feel insecure and angry.  If you get caught up in that thinking and feeling you are identifying with a personal self.  From here, all problems arise.  All problems are a function of identifying with a personal self.  And liberation for all sentient beings unfolds when you discover your true nature. 

No belief is necessary.  Look for yourself.  Don't think about who you are.  Look. 

Notice who you are.  

Watch the I. 

If you don't get it, if it feels difficult, 

don't watch what's difficult, 

watch the I.

As soon as we turn our attention to the awareness of the personal self, we create spaciousness.  We cannot be aware of the personal self and be the personal self at the same time.  Self-Inquiry is immediate detachment from the personal self and direct experience of our true nature, Free.

You know how there are people who you just love being around?  They don't have to say a thing, they exude good energy. Don't you then just love introducing that person to other people in your life?   Multiply that experience by 1,000 and that is what Mooji is like. And, he is you.  He is me. He is an awakened Universal Being.  So, I invite you spend some time with him.  You can follow this link to a 50-minute guided meditation with Mooji. (There are logistical updates for the first 10 minutes.)  I am aware that your mind will come up with a million reasons why 50-minutes is too long.  

Notice who you are.  

Watch the I. 

If you don't get it, if it feels difficult, 

don't watch what's difficult, 

watch the I.

Here is a 30-minute guided meditation with Mooji if that makes being with him any easier for you.    

Feel it Out

Yesterday, Emma and I were in the car heading to my brother's house.  We had two missions: see our 8-day-old cousin/nephew Eliot and visit with my Dad.   Some of you might remember, from Love Like That, that my dad had hip surgery recently.  After weeks of physical therapy and rest, he was cleared to drive. His first big trip? Maine to meet Eliot.  

Sunday morning my brother Luke and sister-in-law Hill took Eliot to their niece's baptism; my dad stayed home watching their other two boys - Benjamin and Oliver.  (Ben, director of Animals in Space 2 .)

Me:  Emma, when we get to Luke's  can you help with the boys so that Pop-Pop can relax?  Or, I'll help with the boys and you can chill with Pop-Pop? I want to make sure he's recovering. 

Emma:  Mom, why don't we get there first and then feel it out. 

Me:  Emma.... you're right.  Sounds good.  

We talk some more about my Dad and family and at some point Emma says that her hips have been sore. 

Me:  Let's practice some yin yoga this afternoon. It will totally help.

Emma:  That one where you're all still and quiet?

Me:  Yes.  You liked it.  Remember?

Emma:  No Mom, I hated it.  I fell asleep.  I hate stillness.  I hate quiet. 

Me:  Why?

Emma: I just do.

Me:  What about being still makes you hate it?

Emma: Mom, stop annoying me! I just hate it.

Me:  I'm not trying to make you do anything, Emma.  You're so clear you hate stillness and I'm curious why.

~ pause while Emma contemplates whether her mom is selling her snake oil ~

Emma:  I just don't like quiet.  I'd rather listen to music, or the rain, or someone telling a good story.  

Me:  I like listening to all those things, too.  Here's the thing... my teachers say that freedom and stillness and quiet are all related.     

Emma:  It's impossible to be quiet.  Nobody can do it.  

Me:  What do you mean?

Emma:  People's minds are always thinking things.  That's not going to stop.  And there's always noises and things happening.  Quiet is impossible. 

Me:  Yeah, I get what you're saying. It's true - our minds are not going to stop thinking and there will probably always be noise in our environment.  But there's a quiet behind the noise. This quiet stillness is the place that we hear noise from.  

Emma:  So?

Me:  Well, when we connect with that quiet stillness we connect with our true nature, we experience who we really are.  And being connected with our true nature - not just all the thinking and noise that goes on in our heads - makes it possible to be free and happy no matter how chaotic and noisy life is.   

Emma: No. 

Me:  No?

Emma:  No.  That's a hippy shaman lie.  

We laugh. 

Me:  Nice, Emma.  You've taken a look and experienced this to be a lie?    

Emma:  It's just so stupid, mom.  Stillness?  How are you going to live your life?

Me:  Feel it out.    

Force, Freedom and Ego Inflammation

Force
In response to my Facebook status that I was thrilled to buy  insurance through the healthcare marketplace, my friend commented that she doesn't like being forced to buy health insurance.  (She also posted she was happy for my daughter and I, by the way.)

I can totally relate; I don't like feeling forced to do anything.  Actually, I DESPISE it!

Who doesn't?  Who among us thinks, "Yes, I am happy to be forced into something."  If you're happy to be into something, then there's no force.  Force is a function of not liking something, in this case.  Right?

There are so many things in the manifest world (the world of form, time and change) that I do not like:  slavery, sex trafficking, war, starvation, cancer, hate crimes and environmental degradation.   Those are some big ticket items. 

Then, there's the garden variety disasters: a loved one's depression, the bank account balance, the remark someone made at the party last night, the ten pounds picked up over the holidays, people telling the same boring stories over and over and over again....

The manifest world is RIFE with pain and suffering, with things we don't like.  

Attention
How do we deal with this?  How can we know of such experiences and still get out of bed in the morning?  The ego is not equipped to explore such a profound inquiry.  But, the ego is arrogant and loud.  It doesn't say, "listen, this isn't really my sort of thing, let the heart and spirit provide leadership."  Nope; ego says, "Follow me.  Use your mind to sort pain and suffering into two categories:  

1. pain that can be avoided if people wise up
2. pain that cannot be avoided"  

With the mind thusly mired by analyzing who did what and why, and the pain itself, there is no attention on who you are.  People have been distracted away from their Self - which is always and inherently Free - to the mental delusion that if some people wise up there wouldn't be this pain and suffering!  So then you find yourself distracted from your inherent peace and freedom when you could use it most!  (Okay, 'use' isn't the best word choice.)

ICD 333:  Ego Inflammation Disorder 

If you think something unpleasant could be avoided if other people would get their freaking acts together, you are bound to focus on their behavior.  (See symptom 3.) This will make your life a living hell.  

When was the last time you put yourself through this misery?  When was the last time that you were suffering and you focused on how other people - spouses, kids, the 'other' political party, rude people in stores, debt collectors - had to change so you (and others) could stop suffering?  A nightmare, right?  You could be the smartest, kindest, best-looking, funniest, most charming person in the world (as judged by a celebrity panel of judges in a reality show called "Cream of the Crop") and still you cannot control other people's behavior.  

Instead, this preoccupation with other people adds disempowerment to your anxiety and/or depression.  Oh, Ego Inflammation Disorder, you are one wily mo'fo'!  

Remember, there is treatment!  See photo above or for more details you can review the Ego Inflammation Disorder educational video.  

Freedom
Seeing is Freeing.  When you notice, "dang, I have Ego Inflammation Disorder" you are immediately free again!  Being free, actions effortlessly unfold.  

When you see your ego, you detach from it's straightjacket.    Awareness comes first, comes before.  Your ego cannot exist without you as awareness. This isn't a theory.  This is direct experience.  Look.  Right now.  If your mind starts wondering, "yeah, but if I die, other people can still be aware of x catastrophe" look for who is aware of this mental chatter.  Who hears this rationalizing?  Who notices this thinking?  Don't think about it, look.  Who are you?

You are free.  You are the awareness of experience.  Nothing can force you. Force only exists when you identify as your ego and body.  That is not who you are. You are the one aware of the mind and body.  Look.  Wow, you are also the awareness of awareness of mind and body.  Look.  This is not a test or trick or idea.  Be who you are. The mind will do it's best to distract you out of awareness, it will rationalize, instigate guilt trips, and make promises. Don't take the bait.  All that thinking comes and goes.  That is not you.  Look for what does not change.  Look for what is timeless and effortless.  Be Free.  

You are here to win yourself back

from delusion, 

from the hypnosis of conditioning

and false and limited identification with the ego. 

- Mooji

Brilliant Fish

If you are not absolutely clear that you are a genius, perhaps it is because you are trying to be something you're not.  

Sometimes it is obvious when you are trying to be someone else.  After eight years in graduate school I finally said to my ex-husband, "I cannot do this anymore.  I feel like I'm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.  This isn't me. I have to stop doing this."  I walked away from an entire life.  And I never looked back.  Talk about obvious.

It's not always like that, though.  Sometimes, trying to be something you're not is more subtle.  Rather than being in a career that isn't a good fit,  an unhealthy relationship, or living in an uncomfortable climate, people obscure their genius with expectations:

• how your children should behave and feel to prove you are a good parent
• how quickly things need to come together to prove a new venture is worthwhile
• how friends, lovers and family should behave to show they love you
• what life should look like to indicate that life is working out. 

How did we get hoodwinked into valuing expectations?  If your lover regularly complains about you, you will likely get bored and leave the relationship.  Expectations are not required. You don't need to expect your lovers will celebrate you.  You simply show up in the present moment, honor your intuition and see that it is not workable to be in an intimate relationship with someone who is not a member of your pump-up-jam band.      

In fact, expectations high-jack people.  Thinking about how things should or should not go distracts you from the present moment where things are going how they are going, regardless of what you think.  Filtering the present moment through the lens of expectation creates a barrier between you and your internal guidance system.  Does this sound like freedom to you?


Nope, me neither.   

In satsang today:
I find that people have a certain idea
of how things should be
and then they try to squeeze life into that shape
and it's very painful.

Now, one who is free cannot do that. 
They cannot go into those shapes. 
They will refuse. 

And then people will say, 
"ah, but you're not even trying.  You must commit yourself." 

And you say, 
"No.  Why should I try to put myself into jail?"

Free is who we are.  Experiencing otherwise is an indication that we can let go of something.  Usually, expectations.  For me, that demystifies a quote from yesterday's post, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."  Lose your expectations that obscure the truth of who you are - a genius.  A genius like these people who are:

teaching humility

saving the oceans

preventing violence

Give yourself a moment to consider what it would be like to live  free of expectations.  What fears, insecurities, resentments, and stories would you lose?  You are free to lose them.  


Do you have a "yeah, but...."?
Who is the one that notices the 'yeah, but...'?  
Look.  
Be the awareness of the 'yeah, but...'  
Don't try to kick the 'yeah, but...' out.  
Just leave it alone and be who you are.  
Free.  Free from the pull of  'yeah, but...'

Free to Walk

The spirit behind this sentiment is also found here:
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. 

Thinking
For a long time, I didn't get it.  I thought, whatever these people are talking about, that's not the freedom for me.  I don't want to be penniless, without supportive relationships and a means of making a joyful, powerful contribution to the world.  

I missed the point.  Can walk away doesn't mean must walk away or will walk away. Can walk away doesn't mean effing everyone over when walking away.  Right?

I don't know if it was Dan's comment about yesterday's post or my daughter Emma arguing with me tonight, but today I heard myself thinking,  "Theoretically I could walk away from my parenting responsibilities, but I won't.  Does that mean I can't?  Does that mean I am not free?"

All this thinking.  Not good. Not bad.  Not me.  Not you.  We are not our thinking.  What is your best thought?  That's not you.  What is your worst thought? That's not you.  

I've been thinking my whole life.  That's how we were taught to deal with life - think things through.  Right?  But all this thinking has us confused, maybe even bamboozled. (Let me know how jealous you are that I got to use that word today.  JK.  We're free, not jealous. :D)  We've thought so much we believe thoughts are more real than who we are.  Please.  Consider this is absurd.  

Free
Being free is being able to bring my attention away (walk away) from thoughts - whether pleasant or unpleasant - and bring my attention to the one who is aware of the thoughts.  

Right now, notice the difference 

between a thought 

and the one who is aware of the thought.  

See?

We cannot think our way to freedom; we do not need to. Freedom is our True Nature.

There was a funny conversation between Mooji and a young man in satsang today. If you want to see it for yourself go to the 30-minute mark. Mooji had just been speaking to how our true nature is free from time.  And the man responds: 

Man:  I still feel this tension when I am asked to be somewhere at a certain time. 

Mooji:  Appointments you mean?

Man: Yes. 

Mooji:  You don't like it? 

Man: No. 

Mooji:  Me, too.  I don't like it.  I am troubled by appointments.  That's why I keep saying, "all my appointments are now." But, I'm not terrified of it.  Somehow, with this life unfolding as it does, appointments come.  We are not dedicated to making appointments but somehow appointments are presented.
  
We are so free we can even be troubled a bit!

I am free.  And so are you.  

Still, my ego-identity says, "no, you're not free. You must do certain things and have other things to be free." 

We all have an ego-identity. It is not a personal failing.  Each time you see the ego for what it is, you create space between you and the ego mind, you are free of it.  Get free by seeing it.  That's all. No action necessary.  Simply see it.  Simply be the one who sees it.  

See it.  What things do you think you have to do?  Look at what you think you have to do and ask: 

• Who is the one that thinks such things?  
• Does that one have to do anything to be okay?

When we connect with our true nature, we still do things.  We do things because we are free.  

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!  I'm not kidding.  Give Self-Inquiry a chance.  The only thing you have to lose is tension and resistance.  Don't believe me.  Look. What do you see?  Who sees? Look.  

Freedom is Not Personal

Right?  (see above)

Who among us read The Four Agreements?  (Don't take anything personally is one of the agreements.) 

A Teacher
Some of you know that I am sitting in satsang with Mooji for another couple weeks.  This is a first for me.  I didn't even know what satsang meant until a few weeks ago - gathering together to be with the truth.  The truth about what?  

The truth about who we are.  

Mooji's satsangs are simple and profound.  He is not affiliated with any religion or organization, although he is the direct disciple of Sri Harilal Poonja, aka Papaji.  He does not ask anyone to buy or join anything; his teachings are available for free on the internet. In each satsang meeting, people ask Mooji a variety of questions. Whatever the question, Mooji responds by asking them to inquire Who are you?

Who are you?

The Self
It seems like most people assume that who they are is what they do (including thinking) and what they have (including the body).  I'll refer to this as ego-identity.  Left unexamined, identifying with the ego puts people in a perpetual state of insecurity, taking everything personally and suffering as a result.  

I'll use myself as an example. 

One area where I regularly feel resistance is work.  If I don't pay attention, I unconsciously identify with what my mind thinks:

• by now I should only be doing what I truly love
• I could be doing something more useful with my time

When I identify with these thoughts, I believe that I am failing.  And I don't mean failing like I burnt dinner, whoops.  I mean failing as a person, failing as a being, failing as an expression of energy on the planet.  Do you feel much freedom there?  

Nope, me neither.   

Self Inquiry points people back to our true Self.  When people ask Mooji what to do about some perceived shortcoming, Mooji always, and I mean always, redirects people's attention away from the perceived shortcoming and back to the perceiver, the Self.  Who is aware of the experiences that arise in any given moment - craving for a particular something, obsessively thinking about how somebody else should behave, emotions, choices, physical sensations?  Who notices, "here I go judging how I'm spending my time again"?  

Look, he says.  Really look.  When you experience whatever is occurring as a problem - when you feel obligated, constrained, desperate - take a look at who is experiencing the problem.  Who are you?  Are you the 'unpleasant' experience?  Are you the awareness of the unpleasant experience? Look.  Pay attention.  Go as far as you can go.  You see, "aha, I am not the unpleasant experience, there is something more... there is the awareness of the experience."  

Does this awareness have a problem?    

Practice Now
If this is new to you, try it out right now.  If you are confused, look around to discover who is confused.  Where is the confusion?  Who notices the mood of confusion?  Is the one who notices confusion confused?  

If there is area in your life where you feel a sense of obligation, strain, tension or resistance, ask yourself, Who am I?  Who feels strain?  Look.  Sense around for the "I" that feels strain.  Where is it?  Feel the awareness of strain.  Is the awareness of strain strained?

Dedication
My intention for Free Like That is to co-create communication that reveals our true nature - Free.  May our willingness to direct our attention to being Free be contagious.  May the people around us, near and far, be infected by the awareness of freedom.