Necessity is the Mother of Invention
Yesterday I called the auto insurance company to make sure my policy was current. It was not and I was unable make it current because my license is suspended.
For the second time in nine months.
This June, I got pulled over for having a tail light out. While documenting that violation, the Police Officer discovered my license was suspended for failing to pay a previous tail light ticket. Ironic. Driving with a suspended license earned me a $300 fine and the officer confiscated my license. My boyfriend took a cab to where we were so he could drive us, and the car, back home.
In addition to being frustrated with myself, I had my daughter and her friend with me. Let's just say my daughter was not pleased with me. (Want to come over next weekend? Maybe my mom will forget to turn off a burner on the gas stove.)
I never paid that $300 license suspension ticket so my license is suspended again. To get my car back on the road, I need to manifest $600 (includes brakes, registration, insurance, etc). Which I don't yet have in my checking account, or anywhere else. I just had an emergency root canal, lost health insurance coverage and my furnace is empty. I am not desperate. My parents give me financial support and I am surrounded by people who share. But because of recent life changes (I'd sooner give you an IV drip of extra-strength Ambien than bore you with the details), it is so very crystal clear to me that something's got to give besides my parents' checking accounts.
Give it Up to Get Empty
The previously mentioned boyfriend and I recently decided to put our relationship on an indefinite hold (that's the way I describe it, anyway). As we were communicating about the issues instigating this shift, I made what I thought was a particularly compelling point about where he was not taking responsibility for his well being.
"I just love it when people point out my blind spots!" said nobody ever.
What he did say was, "have you considered that you're just projecting your version of things on me?"
And since he reminded me of that in October, I've been noticing that what I felt was going on with him is going on with guess who? Yours truly.
For example, I emailed him this quote by Emmanuel (as revealed by Pat Rodegast):
When you are tired it is not because of what you have done but what you didn't do that you wanted to do. Bodies do not need nearly as much rest as you think they do. What they need is release. What they need is permission to express their free-flowing passion. That is not self-indulgence as you have all been taught, it is self-respect.
At that time, I felt like I stumbled onto the passage for him. Right now, I experience the passage totally resonates for me.*
I've been avoiding what Ash Beckham calls "a coming out conversation." I've been avoiding coming out to everyone that I am passionate about, animated by and uniquely qualified (these are always, always, always interconnected) to coordinate individuals, groups and organizations getting access to their infinite supply of creativity, confidence, peace of mind and joy.
Why would I avoid that? This is not a rhetorical question or an invitation to arm-chair philosophizing. Seeing what keeps us from what we love is the access to re-connecting with it. Seeing is essential.
If you have not read Gay Hendrick's book The Big Leap, I highly recommend it. He suggests that we all have an internal setting, like an emotional thermostat, for well-being. He calls it the Upper Limit Problem. According to Hendricks, we each have an amount of happiness, success and inspiration that we are accustomed to and that is our well-being set point. When life is working out, and there's a feeling of everything coming together, our thermostat goes over that typical setting. At an unconscious level, the surge threatens our personality/ego because it only knows how to think and behave in ways that correspond with that lower setting. So, we unconsciously attract a familiar setback pattern into our life to bring our internal thermostat back down. For me, this string of unanticipated financial responsibilities that bring up feelings of self-doubt and anxiety are my Upper Limit Problem.
Is this the only way I could interpret this situation? No. Is this the "right" story like other versions are "wrong"? No. But this perspective works for me. In this narrative, I have access to choices that inspire me. I am choosing to continue re-setting my internal thermostat higher and higher. There is no end to the amount of love, joy, success, abundance and connection this here human being is willing to experience! (Those of you who are about to wretch from my pathological positivity, rest assured that Wonder With will include a "skeptics/rationalists corner.")
Phoenix Rising from the Ashes
As an expression of my willingness to expand in love, success and abundance, I am launching the Wonder With Institute. Maybe it's risky. It's one thing to say, "life is messy" and it's another to launch an enterprise from the mess. "Check out this awesome new organization. My broke-ass yoga teacher started it when she had no money to get her license back and register her car,"
Here's the thing. It's not like we can escape discomfort, whether we call it the Upper Limit Problem or anything else. It's not like we can avoid uncertainty, no matter how much money, sex, vacation time, social status or seniority we have. Think about any of your personal triumphs or other people's victories that inspire you. You will find that each one followed failures and upsets. Joseph Campbell nailed it:
...you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
Destruction before creation.
Out of perfection nothing can be made.
What we can do, what I am doing, is bring conscious, compassionate curiosity to whatever is occurring and wonder "How might this experience assist me in being my brightest self? How does what's occurring show me habitual ways of behaving and thinking that I am ready to release? How willing am I to experience and share the wonder of being alive?"
Wondering With you, whoever you are, brings me joy.
*Some other post I'll explore how this experience is evidence, for me, that we are all interconnected.
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