Forgiveness takes courage,
the courage to stop bullets in mid-air.
There is no end to fear. As long as we live on a planet with genocide, starvation, environmental destruction, sexual violence, intolerance, and conditional acceptance we will feel fear. We are all connected. There is no end to love. As long as we live on a planet with waterfalls, heirloom tomatoes, vaccines, a daily sunrise, kindness from strangers, good roads, a passionate kiss, an engaging book, and strong quadriceps we will feel love. We are all connected.
Although we may not end fear, we can transform each fear into courage and forgiveness. This is a great gift to give ourselves and each other. But, we forget we can do this. When we forget, a part of us may try to protect ourselves from more suffering by withdrawing.
Forgiveness is not this
Someone close to you keeps doing something that causes him to suffer and you pay attention to his suffering. Predictably, you now suffer. To get some relief from your own suffering, you draw a line and say, "that's his problem, not mine." This is not forgiveness.
A co-worker does something that bothers you but you don't know how to talk about it; you ignore it. To get some relief from feeling irritated, you focus on other things. This is not forgiveness.
You decide that there is so much environmental pollution today because of other people's small-mindedness. Seeing things this way brings you some relief because you see a way out - "get rid of the morons, bring in the people with half a brain!" This is not forgiveness.
You hear about a group of people killing someone else for no reason and you think, "I'm glad I don't live in a place like that." This is not forgiveness.
Those examples are not condemnations, by the way. They are simply some ways I have avoided facing my fears and forgiving. Either you relate to them, or you don't.
You don't withhold forgiveness because you're a jerk.
You withhold forgiveness because forgiveness seems threatening, impossible (stopping bullets impossible) and inauthentic. It is!
Forgiveness is threatening, impossible and inauthentic
for your ego/personality/unconscious
ways of perceiving the world.
Forgiveness is an expression and expansion of your best self - present, dynamic, conscious and connected!- like Neo stopping bullets,
- like the Amish of Nickel Mines.
- like Immaculee Ilibagiza,
- like Malala Yousafzai.
When you forgive someone, you are an alchemist. You are transforming the energy of fear and separation into courage and connection. Please do not underestimate what an impact this has not only on you and your immediate peeps, but the entire world:
If there is to be peace in the world...
... there must be peace in the heart
Lao Tzu
Transforming fear and separation into courage and connection - this is an amazing gift to give. Right?!?? Let's give it up!
** Practice Giving Great Gifts **
Make a list of all the people who you have not
forgiven. Write down the names of people who have wronged you, where it's clear to anyone with half a marble that they did something to you, that they were/are at fault. It could be a big deal, but it could be simply that your teenager son always makes you late.
Think of the people you are avoiding, the people who you don’t prefer
to be around. Look at that list
and consider that they bring something up for you that you have
not yet forgiven.
If you are not sure whether or not you forgive them, ask yourself "If I find myself behind them in the check-out line, do I feel confident I can access genuine goodwill for them?" If not, put 'em on the list!
Write your name down, too. Write down all the things you haven't forgiven yourself for. If you're not sure what you haven't forgiven yourself for, write down the names of people who you have failed, the projects you should have done, and where you are not doing what you believe you should do. That will help clarify.
Once you have your list complete, go through the list and name the fear that it is the way of you forgiving that person or yourself. Start where you are. What fear is keeping you from forgiving?
Once you see the fear, ask yourself whether you are willing to allow courage, vulnerability and power (see The Power of Vulnerability) to transform that fear to forgiveness? In other words, you don't have to know how to forgive or even forgive in a particular moment. Simply ask yourself if you are willing to allow forgiveness.
~self judgement alert ~ self judgement alert ~ self judgment alert~
As you make these lists, notice if you start judging yourself for not forgiving people. See that part of your thinking mind and label it "the habit of judging and evaluating myself."
Judging yourself is out and freedom is in.
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