Holding a grudge, blaming someone else and withholding forgiveness is a triage approach to pain and suffering. It is not meant to be a long term solution.
Sometimes, people experience something excruciating and decide that the pain they feel is a sign that something is hella effed up. With this point of view, there is nothing to forgive. For example, when I was 20 years old I went to Nicaragua for a month. I had never witnessed that kind of poverty and suffering before. (Haiti is the only country in the western hemisphere that is poorer than Nicaragua.) I was devastated:
What kind of effed up world do we live in that resources are so unjustly distributed and people like me could be completely unaware of this?
There was nothing to forgive. There was a problem to fix. So, I became a social justice activist.
Driving with Emma
During a long car ride today, Emma told me she heard someone say that solitary confinement is not good for prisoners. Emma told me that is not the point. The prisoners have a toilet, food, and a bed. If they are bored, tough luck.
This was a heavy conversation.
I am not down with crime. But neither do I support the social structures and systems in place to deal with crime. I told Emma that.
Emma: So, what do we do instead? Let people who have killed other people roam around? How are you going to feel when that person comes to our house and hurts me?
Me: I am not saying that I have the answers. I am saying that the system that is in place is not adequate.
Emma: Who are you to say when you don't know what you would do instead?
Me: Emma, don't let anyone ever tell you that you have to have the answer. Sometimes, there are no answers. That doesn't mean that you cannot stand in forgiveness and compassion and trust the answer will emerge.
I mentioned these examples while we talked:
- Amish of Nickel Mines
- Imaculee Ilibagiza
- Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa
- Marianne Williamson's run for Congress
(I could write a separate post on how grateful I am for a daughter who has these kinds of conversations with me.)
Me: Emma, I cannot change the prison system. I can create an internal landscape, relationships, attitude and behaviors that make violence and resignation less likely.
Emma: Mom, if I die because someone hurts me and you forgive them, I will come back and haunt you.
Serenity
The world is filled with suffering; violence, disempowerment, confusion and resignation abound. There is a lot to forgive:
- rape, homophobia, sexism, molestation, hate language
- taking more from the earth than is necessary or safe
- war, assault, the death penalty, violence of any kind, an economy dependent on war and prisons
- racism, segregation, oppression, stereotyping, classism
- the myth that other people need to change for someone to be happy
When I came home from Nicaragua, I was mad at myself and everybody else for the state of humanity. Why haven't we evolved further as a species? Why are we still killing each other? How can we regard someone else's suffering as acceptable?
Honestly, it's a wonder we don't all just stay in bed.
Where is serenity in the face of so much suffering?
Forgiveness
For a long time, my barrier to the serenity prayer was thinking acceptance was condoning and that forgiveness was endorsing. This is not true. Acceptance simply means there is clarity that something exists independent of judgments about it existing. And forgiveness is recognizing that:
Pain that is not transformed is transmitted.
In other words, people who are transmitting pain are in pain themselves. This understanding is the gateway to forgiveness.
And this understanding was my gateway to the serenity prayer. I cannot change other people's pain, I can transform my own.
Emma wasn't impressed by my perspective. Which was and is fine. I trust Emma. She is working things out in her own perfect timing. She does not need to look at the world the same way I do. Emma teaches me things all the time.
What Emma Taught Me
Think of a couple people who you think have wronged you. They may have been rude, selfish, stupid, stubborn, mean, weak, aggressive, etcetera. You may be on your list. You have not completely forgiven whoever is on this list. Otherwise, you would not regard them as having wronged you.
Consider that not forgiving these people made it possible for you to live in a world filled with suffering, for you to wake up and make breakfast, go to work, return emails, enjoy an americano, laugh with friends and watch television while atrocities occur.
Consider that consciously facing the full extent of suffering in the world was too much for you to bear. Consider that your personality helped you deal with the discrepancy between reality and your ability to keep your heart open in the face of this reality, by not forgiving people who 'deserve' to be blamed. Consider that blaming them gave you a way to (unconsciously) channel all your anger and resignation and grief. Consider that this may have been adaptive for you at some point and time.
Consider you are at a different point now and that you don't need to forgive yourself for learning.
You cannot end war.
You cannot change other people.
You cannot remove injustice by judging it.
You can:
- live your life in a way that makes war impossible
- be a sustainable steward of resources
- extend compassion to everybody
- transform pain sooner rather than later
- be 100% responsible for everything in your life - your perceptions, feelings, relationships and circumstance
- ask people to help you when you struggle with any of the above
- assist others who could use some help
And you can practice the serenity prayer.
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