Love in a Van Down by the River

If you do not recognize the photo above then you are in for a treat! This is a link to the van down by the river skit.  I think these skits came out while I was in high school because I remember Chris Farley as Tommy Boy in college. Tommy Boy blew my mind.  I wasn't expecting it to be so freaking hilarious! Like Bridesmaids, except less sophisticated and intelligent.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry about it.  Tommy Boy cannot be discussed; it can only be experienced. 

Like Love. 

Love is an experience.  And like maps can only represent locations, words can only represent Love.  Love is a state of being. 

The Energy of Destruction 
Today I was super relaxed in one moment and then Emma began talking about how we live too far out and she wants to move. Honest to God, from one second to the next my body, mind and spirit went into fight or flight mode.  My chest tightened, muscles in my arms and legs tensed, my breath became shallow.  I felt anger and an urge to destroy something.  Really.  For some reason the idea of a huge pile of something to set fire to came into my mind and it was not unpleasant.  
  
I could feel all this happen, and was even the awareness of all this happening.  However, I am not sure I conjured up loving awareness; it was probably a trimmed down, no muss no fuss, awareness: 
Emma, I am not available for this conversation.  I am managing a couple other balls in the air and I'll be honest with you, I don't know how to put where we live up in the air without wanting to kick something.  I need a couple days. 

Later in the same ride she complained about how long the ride was taking.  I pulled the car over. I pulled the car over.  That's how on the edge I was. I pulled the car over, turned to her and said, Emma.  I can. Not. Deal. with moving now. I am closed about it.  I will open up but I am not yet.  This is not the time.  Lest you wonder, I said all of that in the "don't fuck with me" key.   

Where does that energy - the energy of destruction, of fire, of raging rivers, of avalanches and mudslides, of tornados and blizzards - come from and who trains people to wield this energy well? 

The Alchemy of Destruction
I've always felt this energy.  My sister can tell you that when we were growing up I was processing a boatload of anger and fear; she was often at the receiving end.  I've written before about anxiety and I; anger is also my bedfellow. For years I would provoke my sister - teasing her, manhandling her and disrespecting her things.  This provoking was an unconscious expression of anger and because it was unconscious, was sometimes mean. I was bored and angry and anxious.  I was also happy, loved and safe.  But that's not what this post is about. 

Fortunately, by high school I had an awakening that I wanted to be a supportive sister.  It became so clear to me that I would not be mean to my sister.  At that time, I had no idea what was going on with me only that whatever it was had nothing to do with my sister. I'm not saying I haven't been a royal pain in the ass since then or hurt her feelings.  What I'm saying is that I made a conscious decision not to be mean.   

That experience changed my life.  Because I was so young when all this happened, forgiving myself was not as challenging as it could have been.  Also, perhaps because I was young it was quite easy to change my behavior.  Third, my sister forgave me at various levels and allowed us to shift gears in our relationship. Looking back now, that experience imbued me with confidence in transformation:  at any moment any of us can transform anything.  

Destruction can seed transformation.  Just like fire is a powerful ally when the nature of fire is seen and respected.  We don't light fires in dry fields then turn our backs and walk away.  Awareness and respect for any experience cause transformation.  

After I gave Emma the Mafioso instruction not to speak of moving again, I felt post anger remorse. My mind wondered - was I responsible with my anger, is there anything I need to do now, did I disrupt the flow of love, is that even possible? Remembering that I am the Loving Awareness of my mind's wondering, I relax into a different point of view where destruction can co-exist with love:  

...You cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs. 

Destruction before creation...

from In the Field by Joseph Campbell