Edgy Valentine
February 14th 1995 I was in Esteli, Nicaragua. My friend Carol and I wore black and made jokes about romance all day. That was an edgy Valentine's Day. Edgy is what I call any experience that I don't quite embrace. When I label the experience edgy, or punk rock, I can bring whatever is happening closer to me. Entertaining myself is a stepping stone to acceptance. Rather than being angry and miserable, I can be punk-rock pissed and have some fun. You see?
It works for me. I don't entertain myself as a way of avoiding my suffering. But, I seem to have copious amounts of anxiety, grief and anger to experience. Honestly, it doesn't let up. And I'm not always in a moment or mood to pause and feel my body, breathe consciously, meditate or recite a Metta Prayer. Instead, I'll have something I am ready to do and I'm just going to do it with an edgy insecure style. Take it or leave it.
Love Anyway
So, if the anxiety and resistance haven't disappeared why am I still practicing yoga, meditating and questioning my thinking? What's the use?
I feel better. When anxiety comes, it goes; it doesn't hang around. And because it doesn't hang around, I am not accumulating any additional tension in my shoulders, neck, jaw or head. For a lot of my life I was piling tension into my muscles like it was going out of style. I had a tension habit.
A mantra is anything that breaks up habits and creates neural plasticity. Remember neuroplasticity? Neuroplasticity is essential for happiness. Practice choosing what to think. And if you're all, "I do chose what I think," you could use more practice.
Meta-Mantra of Loving Awareness
I am practicing with the mantra I am the loving awareness of experience. The mantra is re-wiring my brain in a positive direction. I am training myself to pay attention to Love. It works!
Case in point: I began writing this post and then it occurred to me to get some shoveling done. We already had 10 inches of snow and it was still coming down.
I went outside and felt love from and for the night sky and snow. Beautiful, open and clear.
I grabbed the shovel and felt love for and from my stepfather who gave me the shovel and countless other items to prepare me for winter in the country.
As I was shoveling I remembered my Dad asking me one afternoon last week, why don't you go out before it gets dark and smooth things out in the driveway. You know, so there aren't any lumps once this freezes.
Despite having no idea what he meant, I went outside with a shovel and smoothed out lumps. Shoveling tonight, I felt love for my dad who would have made the driveway spotless if he hadn't just had hip surgery. I felt love from my dad who I know will love and appreciate however I shovel.
The plow guy arrived. He asked me if I needed him to come over early tomorrow morning for the second round of plowing. Do you need to get your car out to get to work on time? I loved the plow guy.
I felt love from Emma who recommended I focus on shoveling out the car before the pathways. Her sound advice made it possible for me to move my car when the plow guy was at the house.
What could have been a drudgery was an experience with a whole lot of Love. It's no accident. It's no miracle. It's practice.
If I don't practice paying attention to Love in my life, who will?
I mean, who is reminding you that you are the loving awareness of all that is?
My wealthy fractal self (this is a reference that Michelle might say does more to scare people than share with people) not only has a cook but a Pause and Love Assistant who reminds me. However, I have not evolved to the point where fractal selves are anything other than entertaining ideas. So I create my life to include reminders - yoga practice, meditating, reading and listening to teachers and communicating with you.
The Bottom Line
You are the Loving Awareness of all that is.
You are never alone.
When you eat, you eat with all the people who grew, packaged and shipped the food. You eat with their children, too.
When you sit on the couch and the sun gets in your eyes, you sit on the couch with everyone being touched by the sun. You sit on the couch with all their friends, too.
When you drive in your car, you are on the road with everyone else. You are on the road with all the people they come from and are going toward, too.
When you cry, you cry with every human who has grieved. And you cry with the people impacted by their grief, too.
You are never alone.
There is no separate self. Imagine an apple on a tree believing it's alone and separate. Ridiculous!
Love is always present and it's not something we have to get. Imagine someone waiting for permission before breathing? Ridiculous!
Finale
Growing up, my family vacationed at our grandparents lakeside cabin in Mount Vernon. The cabin had a loft with a window, one foot square. This little window was right above the bed where my sister and I slept, on the wall that separated the loft from the downstairs living space.
During that time of sleeping in the bed with my sister by the loft window, Placido Domingo and John Denver released the Perhaps Love album. I can remember hearing the songs as I fell asleep. Is there any better way to end a rambling Valentine's Day post than with their duet celebrating the ineffable nature of Love?
I didn't think so, either.
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